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sophie_jean's Journal
Created on 2008-04-15 02:04:37 (#15376500), last updated 2009-11-17
155 comments received, 89 comments posted
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Basic Info| Name: | sophie_jean |
|---|---|
| Birthdate: | 1965-07-14 |
| Location: | Fort Worth, Texas, United States |
BioIf I had to put a pin in a map to indicate where I'm from, maybe I should put it in the ocean.
It's hard to tell which place is considered the home I'm from. Would that be the home that I drive from (the nuclear family abode), or the home that we grew up in (i.e. the parental family dwelling)? My family and I live in Haltom City. I left Azle, Texas when I was 18 for my first foray to college, but I didn’t move to Azle until I was 12. As a member of a military family, I lived wherever my father was stationed, except for the time he went to Thailand during the Vietnam War. For most of that time, I lived nowhere near any of my extended family, having been born in Maine, and living in Turkey and Germany, before coming back to Michigan at 8 and Texas at 12.
Maybe I should just leave the pin unplaced instead indicating I am coming from everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
I am a MTF (Male-to-Female) transgender married to a wonderful Laotian woman with two intelligent children. I hesitate to use the term transsexual to apply to myself here because in my mind, I have always felt that I transcended such a category, and the finality of the label seems so--well--final, like I have no choice where I'm headed.
I have always known that my interests, while not aligning 100%, tended to be more toward the compassionate, nurturing side, than toward the aggressive ways that men are known for. Long before I heard of anything remotely resembling transsexualism, I felt I was unique in the way I felt, and believed I must be that way for a purpose. I thought naively that I could exist as a man, but a gentle, empathetic man.
Unfortunately, starting at puberty and beyond, I began a struggle to maintain that identity--to find a place for it. I began wishing and hoping someday to be as female on the outside as I seemed to feel on the inside. Not knowing better, I thought that maybe I was bisexual, and that was all that was wrong with me. No matter how much I fantasized, I just couldn't make myself like men as much as I liked women. Increasingly, as time marched forward, I would secretly indulge my "fantasy" to be a woman and be complete. I didn't know there were other boys who were trying on any feminine garments they could find. I hated the erections, and I hated the peer pressure to get laid; and despite it all, I was 19 before Tammy took me to bed. Masturbation became a tool to try to feel like a man, but the feelings quickly ebbed. So I kept it all secret, and turned to pornography to keep me sane. By the time I discovered "the third sex," I was trapped in the men's world I had made for myself, deep in denial, trying to deny myself persistent fantasies.
Out of the military, I met a beautiful woman, we married and had two beautiful children. I began working 50 minutes away and the temptations to crossdress came back oh so much stronger. To make a long story short, after five years of marriage, I decided to see a gender counselor. I panicked after a couple of months. 10 years into my marriage, I found myself being sucked in deeper again and had to start seeing a counselor for real. This time I told my wife more details, and have been trying to be totally honest with her. That was last March, the 22nd to be exact. It is one year later, and we are feeling out our new relationship. I have only recently begun hormone treatment. My wife wants me to try to wait 7 1/2 years before transitioning on the job; and frankly, transitioning on the job scares the crud out of me. Meanwhile, I need to more fully explore myself to become the complete person I've been denying.
My journey can be likened to the labyrinth, fashioned after the legendary labyrinth of Crete, which takes a path of 11 concentric turns to its center, and then 11 turns out, where at the center is a connection with God.
Like peeling an onion, I circled myself, getting closer to my true self on each circuit; I traversed the path deeper and deeper until I reached my very core. And when I found myself there, I found God’s embrace. The love was waiting for me, and my acceptance became complete. Having been filled up with that love, it propels me outward with better understanding, ready to love those around me unconditionally.
Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie Jean
It's hard to tell which place is considered the home I'm from. Would that be the home that I drive from (the nuclear family abode), or the home that we grew up in (i.e. the parental family dwelling)? My family and I live in Haltom City. I left Azle, Texas when I was 18 for my first foray to college, but I didn’t move to Azle until I was 12. As a member of a military family, I lived wherever my father was stationed, except for the time he went to Thailand during the Vietnam War. For most of that time, I lived nowhere near any of my extended family, having been born in Maine, and living in Turkey and Germany, before coming back to Michigan at 8 and Texas at 12.
Maybe I should just leave the pin unplaced instead indicating I am coming from everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
I am a MTF (Male-to-Female) transgender married to a wonderful Laotian woman with two intelligent children. I hesitate to use the term transsexual to apply to myself here because in my mind, I have always felt that I transcended such a category, and the finality of the label seems so--well--final, like I have no choice where I'm headed.
I have always known that my interests, while not aligning 100%, tended to be more toward the compassionate, nurturing side, than toward the aggressive ways that men are known for. Long before I heard of anything remotely resembling transsexualism, I felt I was unique in the way I felt, and believed I must be that way for a purpose. I thought naively that I could exist as a man, but a gentle, empathetic man.
Unfortunately, starting at puberty and beyond, I began a struggle to maintain that identity--to find a place for it. I began wishing and hoping someday to be as female on the outside as I seemed to feel on the inside. Not knowing better, I thought that maybe I was bisexual, and that was all that was wrong with me. No matter how much I fantasized, I just couldn't make myself like men as much as I liked women. Increasingly, as time marched forward, I would secretly indulge my "fantasy" to be a woman and be complete. I didn't know there were other boys who were trying on any feminine garments they could find. I hated the erections, and I hated the peer pressure to get laid; and despite it all, I was 19 before Tammy took me to bed. Masturbation became a tool to try to feel like a man, but the feelings quickly ebbed. So I kept it all secret, and turned to pornography to keep me sane. By the time I discovered "the third sex," I was trapped in the men's world I had made for myself, deep in denial, trying to deny myself persistent fantasies.
Out of the military, I met a beautiful woman, we married and had two beautiful children. I began working 50 minutes away and the temptations to crossdress came back oh so much stronger. To make a long story short, after five years of marriage, I decided to see a gender counselor. I panicked after a couple of months. 10 years into my marriage, I found myself being sucked in deeper again and had to start seeing a counselor for real. This time I told my wife more details, and have been trying to be totally honest with her. That was last March, the 22nd to be exact. It is one year later, and we are feeling out our new relationship. I have only recently begun hormone treatment. My wife wants me to try to wait 7 1/2 years before transitioning on the job; and frankly, transitioning on the job scares the crud out of me. Meanwhile, I need to more fully explore myself to become the complete person I've been denying.
My journey can be likened to the labyrinth, fashioned after the legendary labyrinth of Crete, which takes a path of 11 concentric turns to its center, and then 11 turns out, where at the center is a connection with God.
Like peeling an onion, I circled myself, getting closer to my true self on each circuit; I traversed the path deeper and deeper until I reached my very core. And when I found myself there, I found God’s embrace. The love was waiting for me, and my acceptance became complete. Having been filled up with that love, it propels me outward with better understanding, ready to love those around me unconditionally.
Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie Jean
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