| We shook hands and I gave him my BookWorld ChargeCard. I was just standing there in that blank sort of way you do while waiting for a shopkeeper to complete a transaction, when the hair on the back of my neck suddenly rose.
-- Jasper Fforde, Thursday Next in First Among Sequels
I haven't blogged in awhile because I have had a lot to try to deal with. I went to check out a new apartment today because, "I pointed out a problem with the security of the maintenance." I have been here in my new place almost a week and a half, and the best thing to do is get out. A couple of Turkish men took it into their heads to treat me as a Turkish woman from the moment I moved in--and let's just say it was bad. Charges have been filed and one of the men was suspended from his job and required to turn in his keys pending the results of the investigation. I ran across him again at the on site laundry facility on Thursday.
The good news is that the new place--still sight unseen--is a one bedroom, one bath for about the same price I am paying for a studio. The manager is very accepting and used to manage the apartments where I am staying now. I let her know that I preferred to be called Sophie. The apartment's also closer to work, about halfway to the cramped studio I was living in.
Afterwards, I picked up some soup and an ice scraper, because I hear a freeze is on the way in the morning. I also need to drop off the application at the apartment after work, but I'm thinking of doing it after meditation studies at the church. Those really help. What also really helps is that I am out to so many women and a few men that I can talk to about what happened and the resulting conflicting emotions.
The news about Mike Penner is shocking, but not too surprising. I read that as Christine, she was suffering a terrible divorce, and for whatever reason she made the decision to de-transition, I can understand how that kind of guilt can lead someone to back out. I have seen several people and heard how other people have made promises to try to go back to being in the closet, or putting away the other side for good, and while it may work for some, for others the price turns out to have been too much, the relationship winds up severed and transition is recommenced. It's hard to speculate what happened to Mike Penner to cause his death, but since his death happened so close to the Transgender Day of Remebrance, the day when we honor those brothers and sisters who lost their lives for having the courage to be who they are, it's easy for me to see a scenario in which he felt his regret at going back to male life and maybe falsely feeling he was a let down to so many, including his familial relations.
Whatever reason this brave individual left us, his and her life was a spectrum, part he and part she. I am sure both he and she will be missed greatly. Indeed their courage is a shining example.
Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie
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| It was young Jack who saw what had to be done. He got the dead bodies taken to the crypt, put the wounded in the monks' dormitory, and organized emergency feeding for the living in the meadow on the other side of the river. The weather was warm, and everyone slept in the open air. The day after the massacre, Jack organized the dazed townspeople into teams of laborers and got them to clear the ashes and debris from the priory close, while Cuthbert Whitehead and Milius Bursar ordered supplies of food from surrounding farms. On the second day they buried their dead in one hundred and ninety-three new graves on the north side of the priory close.
- Ken Follett, The Pillars of the Earth
It is time to remember those who have survived amidst the terrors. We just passed veteran's day, and this week we remember the transgendered brothers and sisters who have been lost to us by acts of massacre. It makes us want to just weep for all that has been lost, including precious innocent lives. But life intrudes. We most pick up the pieces and continue on. We do not want to forget our lost, but we want to remember those who have survived and work hard to better secure their future.
It is a time to meditate on what we can do to support one another, to be able to continue with our lives, and for those of us who feel a spiritual connection to a divine spirit, it is time to draw on the strength and compassion necessary for ourselves, and outflowing for those who have been devastated by this loss.
Remembering the soldiers who gave it all, physically or emotionally to better secure our futures; remembering the brothers and sisters who bravely and courageously died for living true to themselves; we don't want the brutality to end what they have achieved. Instead, let us rebuild. For every true heart that has suffered and been brutalized, let a dozen hearts find the courage to be true.
Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie | | comments: Leave a comment |
| "Natural born women are afraid of men. They don't have to learn how to be cautious around them. At least most don't." Interesting words from my new counselor. Her primary training is in domestic abuse counseling. She has been helping transgendered individuals for only a couple of years and refers those who are not emotionally ready to others that can help them. She sees no need to refer me. I'll have a list of doctors soon, and hopefully I'll find a place to continue my electrolysis.
When I told her, "The beard's got to go," she commented that that's usually the next progression after starting hormones. I am full-time on the weekends, now, and when I meet someone for an apartment interview next week, it should be interesting. Male mode at this point is only for work-related activities.
When my new counselor told me about the instinct to be cautious around men, her fresh point of view confirmed more about myself, even though I hadn't told her much.
I was scared of my Daddy. He didn't ever really do anything wrong, but for all of my life I was really afraid of him at an instinctual level. He exuded maleness, and it terrified me. When I was 8, I went by Bobby. All my family called me that. Bobby was not a good name on a military base, because "the guys" would point, whisper and snicker and plot ways in which to harm you in their play. I didn't want Bob. Besides, Bob was taken. I decided to go by just plain Robert, because it sounded smart. But my Daddy's name was Robert, also, and I certainly didn't feel like him. I guess it was from that moment that I realized I didn't have my own name. Even though I was still targeted for having been "Bah-bee, Baby Bah-bee," I began to stay to myself more than ever. I couldn't have been more than 7.
As long as a man or a boy was gentle and kind, I loved and still love being around them. But when they changed, I would begin to fear them an stay away from them more effectively than I could avoid my own father, bless his soul. How he must have struggled to try to understand why his own son avoided him and preferred to be alone or with his mother.
And herein is another instinct from my core: I trust girls and women, until--go figure--they started acting domineering and male-like.
So by instinct, I distrust males and they have to earn my trust, while I trust females and they have to break my trust. It's a double standard, and it's inborn.
If there's a women in the vicinity when I need help, I'll automatically approach her before approaching any men.
There's something about the way I was born, just like most daughters: I never had to learn to be cautious around men. It just comes natural.
Re-evaluating where I'm at, I need to:
- Find a better apartment to move into by the 21st.
- Schedule a doctor appointment for my semi-annual in December
- Get new prescriptions for cholesterol , heart and HRT
- Get in touch with local transgender support group.
- Find someone to continue my electrolysis treatments.
- Convert my position to permanent.
- Wait 6 more months and open talks with HR about transitioning
But right now, I need to go move the laundry.
Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie Jean
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| In a county where the recent hate crimes against the transgender community have sparked protests and unified peoples across the city, City Council Candidate for District 25 Daniel Dromm accused his Republican opponent Mujib Rahman of ‘gay-baiting.'
- Claudia Cruz, "Rahman 'gay-baiting,' Dromm charges", Wednesday, October 28, 2009 2:52 PM EDT, QueensCourier
gay bait - Attempting to lure a suspected homosexual into revealing himself or herself by giving off indications that one might be gay as well. Generally used by homophobes to establish grounds for verbally or physically attacking a homosexual. - Urban DIctionaryMuch like the ritualistic baring of Paula’s cleavage and themind-numbing critiques of Randy Jackson, ugly gay-baiting banter between Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell is a time-honored American Idol tradition.
- Michael Slezak, "Ryan Seacrest: Please end the gay-baiting banter on 'American Idol'", May 13, 2009 10:15 PM ET, Popwatch
Jack had been dreading this.
- Ken Follett, The Pillars of the Earth
The fact that there is such a term as gay-baiting and a strategy behind its violence underlines how much we needed the anti-hate crimes bill that President Obama signed into law. Will this end the violence? I wish it could, but look at Rahman's tactics so soon after the legislation was signed, and he claims to have "gay friends." It is his intent to legislate the truth as he sees it, and he intends to fuel the conservative religious right to do so. Orators that appeal to conservative religious instead of being open to paradigm shifts in their own world view often spark violence against those they see as deviant.
Will the new law end the violence? Probably not. But it will put more eyes on the courts who try these cases, and if the penalty is stiff enough and enforced, it may act as a deterrent against people who are not completely closed minded and swayed by prophets who claim to speak for God, declaring the "deviants" damned. What kind of attitude damns other humans for simply being who they are?
I have seen "gay-baiting" in the office before, and I knew better than to respond to it, except to disguise my response in humor. Usually I stay out of the conversation, but will support the person accused of gay behavior by supporting them.
I don't imagine I will see that behaviour at my new company and the people I have met so far are varied and performance-centered. As it should be.
Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie Jean
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| Cordelia recognized her friend's loss of hope in the overly restrained way she conveyed her lack of regard for her future husband, and laid a gently consoling hand on Abrielle's sleeve. "Ofttimes, when approaches the unknown, circumstances may look the bleakest and most threatening. From experience, I know you have a valiant spirit and will rise above your fear."
- Kathleen E. Woodiwiss, Everlasting
Only 2 more nights with my family before I leave them for Kentucky. I can't help but think that I am going to miss the routine around school and the children, having to live in an empty hotel room by myself.
Today was a busy day. I turned in all my library books, and on the way to cancel my electrolysis appointment for next month, I got messages that the intruder alarm was going off at our house. When I returned and chastised myself for failing to lock the door properly, I let the officer waiting in the drive know that nothing seemed to be missing. The obvious targets were still in place.
When I canceled my electrolysis appointment, I let them talk me into a half-hour tomorrow. "Whatever you need." It is going to be hard for the first week as I just barely have enough to cover the week's stay and the gas going up. I had to drive to a building in North Richland Hills to take a drug screen today. This was the first time I have had locks of hair almost shaved off. The address was in the FedEx package that was on the doorstep that threw me off on locking the door earlier.
Meanwhile, I'm all packed, with the exception of whatever clothes come out of the laundry, and the last minute pack items like toiletries, computer, charging cables, etc. I leave shortly after midnight on Saturday morning for the 13 hour drive to check in before the hotel office closes. 3 days from now, I'll be living in Louisville, Kentucky--alone.
6 months. That's how long I will be on contract. After which, it is anticipated that I will be offered to continue contracting at the company or switch to salary and become a regular employee. The company is large, and based in California it has marked in the top tier of companies on HRC (The Human Rights Commision) index for equity in the workplace. It seems to be a safe place to transition. Even most transgendered expenses fall under the company's insurance.
So I will be gone for my daughter's birthday (I already got her shoes she wanted), halloween, and a memorial for my friend Cathy who took her life last July.
This is what I would say if I were able to make the memorial service as I wished, but the company wants me in Kentucky next week, preferably by Monday.
When I think of Cathy, I have to think of her old beat up pickup truck. Always worried it would "give up the ghost," she still found it in herself to volunteer it to help out at events, and somehow, she kept it going, to help out at numerous events. I wanted to be here, but circumstances forced me out of state at this moment and I chide myself for having lost the only photos she sent to me. But if anyone knew Cathy, they would recall this big vintage smile that would just brighten up the darkest room.
Unemployed for two years, alone in her own place, Cathy did not give up on doing what she felt was the right thing. Just like she volunteered her tired truck, she volunteered herself. She supported the girls at the Vagina Monologues, and while too shy to accept the invitation to join the cast inside, she stood a self-appointed watch over the door, kindly opening it for all the ladies who entered. She supported Jo and I and billed our upcoming performance to something that we had to live up to. Cathy was working backstage at Casa Manana as an usher when I came off the stage to give me a hug for the great things we felt we were doing.
At one point, previously, when I was deeply in emotional turmoil over my relationship, Cathy said to me in an email:
"With the exception of living versus dying, Life usually gives us more than two choices about things. I hope the two of you can find a third way."
But there was so much more to Cathy. They say still waters run deep, and Cathy's introspections seemed to have no bottom. From Herman Hesse's Steppenwolfe to the Vagina Monologues to topics in sexuality to the remembrance of transgendered people who have needlessly died, her mind was always engaged.
I will always remember Cathy, who was an angel here on earth, I will remember my friend, I will remember her sharing attitude and, most of all, I will remember her smile.
Hugs and God Bless,
- Sophie Hawes
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| Was there a human experience I was not willing to give up?
- Stephenie Meyer, Eclipse
I couldn't sleep last night. My tooth hurt like crazy in a dull throb. I tried wine cooler and acetaminophen, reading and by the time I finally got to sleep it was about 4 AM. I realized I was in a sensory-shutdown dream, because the electrical probes were still be applied against my facial hair on at a time to kill the roots. I heard my young daughter cough, and my wife prodded me awake from my dream within a dream. I blame the hot chicken soup.
I drove my older daughter to school in the rain, trailing behind her bus. I was still in my flowery blue pajamas and blue bathrobe, with only sandals on my feet because I had every intention of returning to bed when I got home. I forgot I had to get gas, and I had to prepay in cash because the tank was low and I didn't have enough money on my credit or debit cards. So I enjoyed the very feminine experience this morning of reserving 5 dollars of gas in pajamas.
Back home, after a nap and the phone ringing a couple of times, I studied Service-Oriented Architecture Component-Based Service Development. The hiring manager in Kentucky stills wants that interview tomorrow or Thursday, so the recruiter called to try to set it up. And then I saw a thin envelope from the company in Virginia. Inside was their rejection letter for someone who better fit the qualifications. 2 out of 3 rejections so far for the in-person interviews so far. Not good. What is the company in Seattle going to say? I better brace myself for the news. My next confirmed interview is with a company the Sunday after next.
Tomorrow is catch up on chores day.
Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie
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| Happy birthday to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) rynfox ! May more of your dreams come true this year.
Hugs,
Sophie
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| I wish they'd remembered her name...
Stephanie Meyer, Eclipse
Not much on the job front today. About 4 hours on monster nationwide and I submitted for maybe 3 positions, 1 as a junior developer--all in another state. Got two calls though. The people that were going to fly me to Arizona for an interview next Sunday found out that they will be in Dallas the Sunday after next, so we have changed plans accordingly. The other call was to see if I was interested in a Software Engineer position at a healthcare-based company in Dallas at 80-100% of my last salary. I thought at first the recruiter said the position was for a Director of Development, and I think I came close to passing out from lack of oxygen at that point. The position reports to the Director of Development. Talk about taking a lot of stress off!
Studying Java Web Services Architecture, I think I have at least a tenuous grasp of Web Services at a bird's eye view. I have started reviewing Service-Oriented Architecture principles in the follow-on chapter. Tomorrow is my study day, so I am anticipating studying both SOA and Component-Based Service Development tomorrow. Kids go back to school, so that will give me an annoyingly quiet time at home to try to stay focused.
Okay, I'm slowing down on Eclipse. I have made it to page 260, and the story-within-a-story is fascinating. It's sad that the only normal human hero in the tribe's legend is one who's name has been glaringly lost.
I still have angry red bumps on my neck from the electrolysis. I'm glad I didn't go back the next day. The skin needs time to heal.
Hugs,
Sophie
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| "What happened?" Edward demanded as soon as we were through the door.
- Stephenie Meyer, Eclipse
The phone interview didn't happen. Considering I gave a 3 hour window, it's a little irritating. Anyway, it gives me a little more time to study Java Web Service Architecture in preparation for the interview.The book I picked out to study is Java Web Services Architecture by McGovern, Tyagi, Stevens and Matthew. It's a little dated (2003), but at 831 pages it was top of the list on Amazon. I suppose the interview will occur sometime early in the week.
With the plane ride to Seattle and back, I have gotten a lot of reading done. I finished Poems from the Women's Movement, The Believers, and Be Still My Vampire Heart. The last two days I have gotten 202 pages into Eclipse.
About 4:30 PM I gathered the kids up for a 3-hour tour to get flu shots, anticipating that it would be about 20 dollars for each of them. CareNow was out of shots, the first CVS pharmacy we went to didn't have a clinic, and on our first attempt to find the CVS with a clinic, we didn't see it where it was supposed to be. Say called and told us that they were having 15 dollar drive through shots at the school district's coliseum, and when we drove 30 minutes to get there, we only saw skateboarders. After talking to Say, she said she did remember the CVS we attempted to go to, and we tried again from a different direction, and this time we found it.
Inside CVS at the clinic taped to the sign-in terminal was a sign that they weren't taking any more patients. Since there was no one hanging outside the office doors, we decided to wait it out. In about 10 minutes, the provider stepped out and told us to come back at 9 in the morning and the injections were going to cost 30 dollars each. We left in the middle of Monsters vs. Aliens playing on a TV just outside the clinic and stopped by McDonald's to spend some of the last cash I have remaining. On the screen over the table, Madagascar 2 was playing.
When I got home, I saw photos from the Fort Worth Pride Parade and was rewarded with seeing several people I knew in the photos. My heart warmed at the sight.
Saturday, we returned to CVS to get the flu shots early in the morning. My 6 year, M, didn't cry for the first time in her life on an injection. In my book, she's officially a big girl now, and I let her know. We grabbed low-cost McDonald's breakfast on the way home, where I saw that a local crossdresser club was hosting a job search counselor who was going to explain what his organization did to help transgendered people find jobs in North Texas. I wanted to go, but my wife has been suffering from her flu shot for two weeks now. I will have to contact him another way. I also saw in my inbox a job I was qualified for at a large company in Fort Worth that had a float in the pride parade. On the company's website, they have included gender identity in their equal employment clause, and have a local pride orgainization. Needless to say I submitted my resume. I couldn't find an email for human resources. I wanted to ask them if it would be better to interview in male or female mode, since I am struggling at that in between stage now.
I missed church today to stay home and let my sick spouse rest before returning to work tomorrow, It was only Wednesday, but it seems like so long ago that I interviewed and spent 3 days as a woman in Seattle.
Kids are staying home for teacher-in-service day tomorrow. Maybe that late phone interview will occur tomorrow. Meanwhile, it will be time to return to searching the job boards and studying web architecture while I wait for the call.
Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie Jean
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|  Then he rearranged his face into indifference. "Hi," he said, not looking at her. Instead he sought out Lynn. "That silver maple? It's leaned in and rotted half the shingles over the west dormer."
- Jean Thompson, "Wilderness"
A dormer is a structural element of a building that protrudes from the plane of a sloping roof surface. Dormers are used, either in original construction or as later additions, to create usable space in the roof of a building by adding headroom and usually also by enabling windows.
- "Dormer", en.wikipedia.org
[The company] does not discriminate against any employee or applicant for employment because of race, creed, color, religion, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity/expression, national origin, disability, age, or covered veteran status. - Posted on Company's Diversity Website Of the 3 companies that I flew out to interview with, I already have a rejection from the first. The second company, a small company, seemed really interested and would want me to telecommute from home. The job interview where I presented as female took place in Washington state on Tuesday with a large company that I have been communicating with for over a year. I flew out on Sunday and came back home Tuesday night. It was a good experience for me to spend 3 days in female mode, wearing a skirt suit to a potential employer. I have another in person interview with another company opening an office in LA to be held in Arizona the Sunday after next in male mode. They are flying me out there and I don't know their gender identity policy yet and I am afraid to ask for bombing the interview.
After all that, I have to admit that I am scared to see the decision emails. I am not sure I can handle rejection letters, especially from the Washington opportunity, which of course would mean massive changes in my life. Funds are low trying to pay the bills. I maxed out the one credit card I use and the TWC debit card is almost empty for the next week and a half. I am now entering a cycle where I have to rotate between credit and debit, and yet we still can't pay the full bills.
Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie
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| I spent a decade
Running...
Running away from my gender
Because that was the way of things.
Friends...
I had only a few.
Because
I just
Could not
Truly share
Could not
Explain.
I slowed to a walk for a few years,
Looking back
Over my shoulder
Becoming curious of what I left behind...
What I forgot.
What I never learned.
I married
Started raising two children
And for a couple years I couldn't move one step more.
Ahead seemed a dark gaping hole.
Threatening to overwhelm me.
And gradually I started walking backward,
Aware of the life I had built
And was being pulled to leave.
My tears,
My struggle,
To hold on
My fingernails scraped at the pavement.
And I dreamed that those same nails were lacquered in lavender
And that I had never run.
Having gone so far
I was face to face with myself
In a struggle beyond denial.
And now
It is hard
So hard
To keep from turning and running...
Back to myself
To the comfort of my own gender.
It was in love
That I finally felt
Free
Free to come out.
Free to be me.
But that freedom has destroyed
Or threatened to destroy.
The relationship that love built.
As the relationship that we once knew
Withers and dies,
I pray that phileos replaces eros
Stronger than at the start.
Together
We are alone.
The intimacy gone,
And we each need more.
Will we reach for it?
As we once did for each other?
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| I crave my own name.
I am not a junior—
A copy, a facsimile
I need my own name.
I crave to be me.
The cravings frighten me.
If I can't control...
I will act.
It's too easy.
A call, a form,
200 dollars and two months.
It's so easy.
“An attractive woman,
You would make.
A makeover we will do...
When you transition.”
How can I hold?
I must hold.
Two years give or take.
I must hold.
Authority for my daughter
Is strongly in lack
Because my image is no longer...
Her father.
No job.
No money.
Hours spent scanning
The classifieds.
Hours spent chasing
Technology.
Will things be different?
As a woman?
Or just plain harder?
I...must...hold
Somehow. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| 
It took more than a decade to build, but now a sacred place in Fort Worth is a charred mess. A Buddhist temple on Marvin Brown Street caught fire Monday night. The flames destroyed years of handmade, elaborate detailing both inside and out.
- CBS 11 TV, "Fire Damages Buddhist Temple in Fort Worth"
- CBS 11 TV Video Library The two monks that live at the Wat Lao Thepnimith complex at7129 Marvin Brown Street said they heard a noise outside around 11:30 PM. When they went outside, they found fire coming through the roof of the ornate one-story main ceremonial temple.
- WFAA, "Buddhist Temple Burns in Fort Worth"
Investigators will try to determine what sparked a fire at a Buddhist temple in Fort Worth. - Associated Press, "Fire Damages Buddhist Temple in Fort Worth"
 Oat Souvanna stood heartbroken Tuesday as he stared at a charred sacred building at the Wat Lao Thepnimith temple complex.
- Bill Miller and Domingo Ramirez, Jr, "Buddhist Temple Burns in Northwest Fort Worth"
When my wife and I were engaged and married, we lived in a mobile home next to my sister-in-law's house across the street from the temple complex of which Sim is now a part. This building was started while we were living there. The construction took years. Every time I went to my sister-in-law's house, we would see steadily more work on it, as it morphed from a plain white concrete building to the beautiful structure it was up until last night.
The head monk always took a special interest in spoiling my daughter who is now 11, about to turn 12. We took her to my sister-in-law's for babysitting and he was always giving her snacks that were left over from the offering and asks about her when she is not with us.
The site on which this building stands hosts one of the largest Lao new year celebrations in the state every April. We have been making a point to attend every year, even after we had our house built and moved away from my sister-in-law.
The mobile home we lived in on her land has long been towed off, but my sister-in-law is still there. She tells me she even took videos of the firefighters' battle.
So many tragedies this week. At least no one was hurt.
Hugs and God Bless,
- Sophie | | comments: Leave a comment |
|  We drive north through empty country, beyond Ballykillen and Barrowmore. It's a heavy gray day, and the tops of the mountains are dulled and blurred by cloud.
- Margaret Leroy, Yes, My Darling Daughter
Cathy will have a memorial service, but I don't know when yet. If our group is not permitted to join with her family, we will be having our own.
With that news, I learned that a member of my support group was gang raped. My heart goes out to them for suffering such abuse. I pray that they heal in their heart, their soul/mind and their body. May the cloud in our lives lift so that we may once again see the tops of mountains.
Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Subject: | Cathy | | Time: | 12:38 am |
|
| FWP employees wrote with a wide range of skills. As long as they were able to deliver copy containing information, a handful of reliable writers could amalgamate it and turn it into a book.
-- Mark Kurlansky, The Food of a Younger Land
New flight requirements will mandate that all passengers declare their full name, age, and gender to book travel, leaving some transgender advocates worried about the implications to come.
-- Michelle Garcia, "New laws add hassle for trans fliers"
A couple of people have flown en femme in a local crossdresser group of which I am a part. Any resident of Texas that wants a government issued ID that is acceptable for the TSA can get a State of Texas issued identification card. For 15 dollars, it will have your legitimate male information on it and your femme picture. Of course, you have to show up at the DPS en femme, and wait in line for it.
I can confirm that the DPS at North Richland Hills will also gladly take your picture en femme for your driver's license as well, and save the 15 dollars (I am going to have to do a little explaining to Human Resources when I land a job). Maybe with the new regulations and my new driver's license, I will now have to fly en femme. Business trips with the boss might get a little interesting and educational for the boss and coworkers.
One of the crew members for the Vagina Monologues, and a member of my support group, the very dear Cathy Lawton, was found dead yesterday in her place, apparently having taken her life in her own hands about a week and a half ago. She survived for two years unemployed until she had apparently too little cash to go on. She never married, lost her dog in 1998, and decided to transition when she got laid off in 2007. Her sole surviving natural parent her mother passed away just over a year ago in July, and the anniversary of her death may have pushed her over the top. Despite Cathy's experience, she was only offered opportunities with substandard pay once she transitioned. She had made up her mind that she did not want to be a burden on her family or her friends, despite what we would have told her. To anyone thinking likewise, if you don't want to be a burden, please--be a burden! We want you here with us.
In spite of her shy introspective reluctance, Cathy was always happy to do anything in a supportive role, putting her old pickup to use. Cathy's infectious smile, sense of humor and frank candidness will be sorely missed by all whom she touched. Indeed, I miss her. The world is a sadder place today with one more angel gone.
I plan to be there at Cathy's funeral to wish her goodbye. This is a sad day when our community was unable to take care of their own. The guilt is racking me, because the warning signs were there, in her last messages, but I failed to piece it together.
Was she killed by transphobia or by self-transmisia? I'm not sure. It is quite possible that it was more or less stress-induced depression.
There is an argument that since a phobia is a fear without reason, that the resultant hatred is a "irrational knee-jerk reaction" as a consequence of the fear.
Using the metaphor of a spider, or an ant and the time it takes for 100 synapses in a chain to fire in the human brain, if I react by killing the spider before a rational thought can take place, out of pure emotion, that's killing out of fear, and that can be alleviated by not being an actual threat to the people who may have that fear.
If, on the other hand, and I'm borrowing some Buddhist teaching here, if I get up, go get a can of Andro, and spread it over the whole mound or I hunt down the spiders and kill them, or if I tear off the legs one at a time, while killing the spider and enjoying it, that demonstrates that it is malice aforethought, and a hatred based on elevating myself and any member of my group above that of the animals that I am bringing to harm. In fact, in the case of torturing a creature to death, I am exhibiting signs of psychopathy. It's done out of a hatred for the spider's existence, or maybe for the thrill of the moment.
Most of the news stories I have seen involving crimes against transgendered people because they are transgendered and the scenarios I highlighted in my last entry show that the perpetrator had plenty of time to curb in their reaction and chose not to. In fact, in numerous cases the victims were trapped. The killed-out-of-fear tactic has been used unsuccessfully by the defense because of this reason.
In my opinion, to kill out of fear, one has to be afraid for one's life. If one is afraid that she is going to die if she doesn't kill the victim, then there is justification to the "berserker" defense. Otherwise, it is a "hate-crime."
And that's my point. People who commit hate crimes are trying to cop out with the phobia excuse, when the intent is really malicious. People who commit hate crimes are not afraid of anything except the victims having the gall to think they are as good as the rest of society. They want to put them in their place.
I believe there are police officers that really do care. I have met some of them. And I have also met some of the others, who are in it for control. I would like to see the cruel psychopaths flushed out, but as I was saying earlier, they are hard to detect until they've be caught doing some brutal act.
I advise the same to anybody. To the white man on the streets early in the morning barhopping in s minority neighborhood, he has made himself an easy target by being unable to defend himself due to his stupor, to being visible to people who haven't gotten that liquored up, and by establishing a pattern. He has also probably said something to somebody at one of the locations or on the road to seem like an asshole because his inhibitions are down and the watcher's would say he deserved what he was getting.
Be aware. Be sober. Be Safe.
The job hunt is going slow but steady. I am either 1/3 or 1/4 of the way through the interview process for one company, depending on if they require a technical phone interview. My search has been expanded to include all of the great state of Texas, and I have submitted my resume 9 more times since Monday.
Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie
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| There must be better terms than "transphobia" and "homophobia" to describe the hate-motivation behind the violent acts committed against lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgendered/transsexual individuals. The greek suffix "phobia" actually means fear. So "transphobia" and "homophobia" literally mean "fear of transsexual/transgendered people and "fear of gay/lesbian." Fear can be addressed through education, by members of the group living amidst the population as good citizens, and by time.
The greek suffix "phobia" actually means fear. So "transphobia" and "homophobia" literally mean "fear of transsexual/transgendered people and "fear of gay/lesbian." Fear can be addressed through education, by members of the group living amidst the population as good citizens, and by time. Not so with hatred.
When a transgender woman is forced to commit a sex act and is then stabbed to death, the crime is obviously not done from fear. It is done out of pure hatred. It is not fear if a homosexual is beaten to death. It is done out of pure malice. There are better terms available that should be used to make the distinction.
You can't live for very long in the open when there is hatred toward your very existence. This hatred that we face is a different phenomenon than a cultural fear, and will therefore require different tactics. Therefore, we need better words to separate psychopathic hatred of people from a simple fear. The greek suffix for "hatred" is "misia," like in misanthropist--a person who feels a deep hatred for humanity.
Transmisia and homomisia are the phenomenon we must address today. Sometimes an individual's homomisia is so strong it spills over into transmisia, equating transgendered people with gays and lesbians. These people honestly feel that the targets of their anger are less human than they are, and make for easy targets. Violence to "easy target" subhumans is an exciting thrill and a passage to acceptance in their subculture akin to knocking over a convenience store or tagging the neighborhood with graffiti. Performing violent acts against those who are to them as annoying as an ant, and just as useful gives the psychopaths (typically young) a sense of power. It is my belief that many psychopaths find careers of law enforcement to their their liking. It is for that reason, and my own experiences, that I don't trust police. Too many don't care about you...only about their own power.
According to Robert Hare, there is no cure for psychopathy. In fact, psychopaths not only fool their counselors, they learn better forms of manipulation from them. It is usually not until they have been caught in a brutal deed, that all the pieces are put together to verify their psychopathy. Their is a checklist of behaviors from the DSM-IV antisocial personality disorder that tends to occur in more psychopathic individuals, and if you sense these behaviors in someone you know, don't trust them. The entire checklist can be found online at wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hare_Psychopathy_Checklist). Of course, the list scares me, because when I denied my emotional state, I found myself occasionally doing some of the behaviours. But that's the key: psychopaths tend to have little or no emotions when it comes to other people. They tend to find horrific deeds more curious than revolting. They can manipulate your emotions to make you think they care. In reality, they are revolted by people who seem less than them. I also recommend reading Columbine by Dave Cullen.
Transphobia and transmisia are two different phenomenon. So are homophobia and homomisia. We can't go on lumping them together, because the response to each requires completely different responses. Just living openly and honestly as good citizens mitigates transphobia and homophobia, while it will make you a martyr to those who have transmisia or homomisia and are looking for "easy targets."
The good news is that phobias are much more prevalent that the outright hatred. The only way I can think of to battle transmisia is to do everything you can to be a "hard target."
Hugs and God Bless,
Sophie Jean | | comments: Leave a comment |
| The shop was such a cool hangout for a high school boy: a big greasy garage filled with power tools and hundred-thousand-dollar vintage cars up on blocks.
-- Dave Cullen, Columbine
I came out finally to the Human Resource director at my last company. I was checking to see if he received the severance agreement signature page I had sent him. I really enjoyed working at that company and I let him know that I know that my selection had nothing to do with performance and I hoped nothing to do with gender identity.
A source of mine let me know earlier that he was waiting for me to approach him with regards to my potential transition there. I informed him that "The truth of the matter is that I wanted to establish a performance record over at least 3 years with [the company] before I considered actually transitioning on the job. Then it would have been company business and I would have contacted you. In today's economy, that just doesn't seem possible anymore." The new plan is to just get a job, and when HR gets a look at my Driver's License, explain that I transgendered and transitioning and will go full time at the best time for the company. It could very well be that I have to do the name change between contracts.
It has been 2 weeks and 1 day since I was laid off. Out of 11 submissions, I have 1 rejection for a "more qualified candidate," and I passed one phone screen where my profile was sent on to the target company in Hartford, Connecticut. Most of the positions are 6 month contracts. Two for sure have good gender identity policies.
I had a stupid Nike moment [e.g., "Just Do It"] two weeks ago when I had my Texas Driver's License renewed. I was out casual en femme in black slacks, a purple top and makeup, and to make a long story short, I was photographed that way. I have to catch the mail when it gets here, so I can keep my "oops"-moment to myself.
When I went out to the car, I noticed the right passenger tire was still not holding air, so I had to inch the auto to the Discount Tire just up the road. Did the mechanic just say, "Hi, Doll" when I walked in and he walked past me on my right? That coudn't be right. It must have been "Howdy." Of course the car history was under my name, and when he called my name and looked at me standing to respond, he would switch to referring me as "Ms. Hawes." I loved the buzz when he said it that way.
I contacted a well-known attorney for transgender issues in Houston. Things had reached the point where I was finally ready to walk away. I called her office to schedule the consultation, and afterward spoke with my spouse concerning the price, because every dollar counts. I have been thinking about the fact that the attorney also handles the name and gender marker change and the fact that the full time transition is really the trigger point, unless I move to accept a new job, which is also a trigger point. Those are the boundaries that my wife will not cross with me.
I spoke with my wife. I'm thinking that the best thing to do at this point is wait until I have a new job, arrange an appropriate time with them, and do the divorce paperwork with the name and gender change, or roughly about the same time if it causes too much bureaucratic confusion; and I would like to use that attorney's office's services to do so, whether that moment comes in the next month or next several years. My driver's license photo is going to have to be explained to HR at whichever company I wind up going to, anyway. Of course my wife claims that we owe to much to get divorced now.
I don't know if that moment's going to come in the next month or next several years. The attorney offered to expedite my name change and gender marker change on my driver's license if it will help get me a job. She also addresses me as "Ms. Hawes." That is so affirming.
I'm not sure whether changing my name will really help get the job right now, even though Robert has the degree, the thesis and the work history. While I could petition a few of the people that know about my true self to vouch for my recent job, many of my prior referrals don't know. Given my history of coming out, they probably wouldn't care one way or the other and I would simply waken their curiosity.
If it becomes necessary, or may become viable to do just as she is mentioning, then I will definitely need to avail myself of her services.
Hugs and God Bless
- Sophie
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| I just finished The People of Sparks by Jeanne DuPrau (copyright, 2004). Even though the book is written for 5th to 7th grades (10-13 year-olds), I find the sequel to City of Ember has and endless theme that everyone should heed, and really applies to the LGBT community. Ms. Duprau shows how tension over scarce resources can lead to bitterness, fear, anger and prejudice. She shows how one group divides against the other as a consequence of the bad actions of a small minority of unhappy people in such a situation can lead to an explosion of hatred between the groups. Sound familiar? It is an old adage that the path of revenge never ends well, each side escalating the ante until a policy of genocide is adopted--think about the old family feud legends.
So, if "getting even" is getting worse until significant damage is done to both sides, what is the alternative? In The People of Sparks, the idea is to turn it around; and that is done by taking the opportunity and courage to do good and right for the other group, even when it is not desirable to do so. This presumes the theory that people are generally good when given the chance, but can become animalistic when threatened."One good act leads to another." It seems to me that the next time we cry, "Look what they did to us!" we should return the fear with acts of love and support. The people of Sparks and the people of Ember find a way to build a better community. I know it's a work of fiction and ideal, but can't we also follow this recipe?
Some people might say, like my friend Gigi, that this is what "God has been trying to get across to us since the beginning." But, as another of my friends, Cathy, says, "religion can be a contentious issue, especially among a diverse group of individuals who may have personally experienced emotional and/or physical abuse by people citing -- as justification for their biased speech and behavior -- their particular religious doctrines and leaders who are biased against homosexuality and/or transgender orientation and expression." It is my experience that there are certain humanitarian principles that are reflected in most faiths. Part of my personal faith is to cherish the faith of others, valuing individuality and appreciating what everyone can bring to the table based on their unique viewpoint. I have to believe in diversity--in my life and in creation. We must all have faith in something in order to make it through the tough times in which we live. The nature of the faith can be quite diverse, but I never judge a person solely based upon that faith, because we are each one of us unique and valuable. I reserve my judgment for the fruits of that faith. If an aspect of a faith goes against basic principles, humanitarian or otherwise, I am free to not incorporate it into my individual belief system. I believe there are good people of many faiths. Sometimes, they feel something so deeply that they can't help but express it, because the connection works for them. Sometimes, one is rejected by her institutionalized faith, and it is then up to her to regain her faith by either wholeheartedly rejecting that system and choosing another, or by rejecting the pieces that violate her humanity and incorporating better fitting beliefs. Many times a person has to find a better belief system, or build a better fitting one. Regardless, I believe that there are many paths to making faith connections, and each of us has one that is right for her. So whether someone is Christian, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, Atheist, Wiccan, Naturalist, New Ager or anything else, it doesn't matter to me. It only gives me a framework in which to learn more about the person and does not define them. To rely on the faith to define them is tantamount to stereotyping. I find that there is much wisdom to be learned by stepping outside our cliques. Personally, I think I'm Smorgasbordian, adopting into my faith what makes sense from others' and from my own experience. I have my own path, which may not be yours, and yours may not be mine; but we can certainly learn from one another if we are willing to. Hugs and God Bless (or whatever your personal belief system let's you have good fortune), - Sophie
(Considering a change to Faith Sophiejean)
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| Fog rose from the damp cobblestones all around them, but it seemed that the fog in his own mind was lifting.
- Mercedes Lackey, Storm Rising
The results are still not in, but I'm getting more confident that I know what they will be. Occam's razor suggests that the simplest model is usually the correct one, and the silence from my doctor's office since the results should have been back makes me feel more certain of the outcome. If I have Klinefelter's Syndrome, it will explain a lot and I will count myself very fortunate and blessed to have all my mental faculties intact (well, sort of) and able to have fathered children (again, sort of). It turns out that of the 1 in 500 men that suffer from Kleinfelter's the odds of mental retardation and sterility are very significant. I have always known that I just didn't process information the same as others, so maybe I didn't escape all the mental effects. I was only able to father two children over more than 5 years, both adorable, highly creative intelligent children.
When I asked my doctor if he suspected that I had Klinefelter's, he said, "No." But he has not been presented with the number of strange congenital defects that I have, including the testicle that had retracted during the office visit previously. I started listing some of the correlated problems that I have, and he agreed to do the test, along with a vitamin test, of course.
At first, I was unsure if I still wanted to know the results. Would it label me under a certain category belonging to KS sufferrers? What if it returned negative? The cause for my gender dysphoria, among other things, would be purely random. But as I started thinking about it, the number of problems I have could point to other physiological yet-to-be seen problems to be on the lookout for, like an increased chance of diabetes mellitus. In addition, KS may pave the way to insurance covering more of my procedures.
Klienfelter's is a rare condition in which the sex gene couldn't make up it's mind whether it was going to be male or female--having XXY, instead of XX for girls and XY for boys. The number of gene strands affected is probably highly correlated with the severity and number of abnormalities of the individual, causing incomplete development in various portions of the body and mind as the chromosomes can't seem to decide which way to go, sometimes male, sometimes female, sometimes somewhere in the middle.
There are a ton of symptoms that have been correlated to some degree with KS. The incidence is typically higher for "men" who have than for normal men. The list of discovered abnormalities just keeps growing, and I just found out that I can probably add my leaky heart valve that was only recognized as a heart murmur at age 10. KS patients have this condition 14 times more often than normal men. That statistic alone puts me at a 1 in 36 chance of having KS. Add in osteoporis, mismatched leg length, GID, mismatched testes (one smaller and retractile), longer legs and arms, height and low BMI until my 30s (in other words, very skinny like the women on my Mother's side), and the probability of all of these being coinicident without KS, goes way down. On top of that, in my mid-to-late twenties, I started putting fatty tissue around my hip bone ("love handles") that would not go down. This wouldn't have been strange, except in men, the fatty tissue develops around the abdomen first. I don't even want to discuss the strangely elongated and extra-sensitive mole under my armpit at the breast line, that may have actually been something else that took me a long time to tear out.
I am looking forward to the blood test results. How often do you hear someone say, "I hope it's Klinefelter's?" It would mean that I finally have something to hang my hat on.
Grandma was fairly lucid when I went to see her. I went straight from work and didn't "dress out." She recognized me, but couldn't recall what had happened on Sunday; nor could she seem to keep in her memory how many children I had, their ages or where I worked. I found I was getting better at answering questions in that direction. She has returned to Georgia, and I fear that may be the last that I ever see of her.
Saturday, we went to Sandy Lake Park for my daughter's sixth birthday. She got to ride all her rides, and when we stopped to cut the cake, the wind was so strong that we couldn't light a candle and had to use two-liter bottles to hold the table cloth down. When I took her to the bathroom, I waited in the shade just under the building's eve. A lady walking up asked me how many stalls there were. Dressed in a golf shirt and shorts, I was a little amazed that she thought I was qualified to be waiting for an available stall in the ladies' room. I just told that I didn't know, because I hadn't been in there.
Father's day, I didn't dress out and I didn't go to church--for the sake of the family. I took them to the Movie Tavern to see "Imagine That," and eat Chili's-like fare during the movie. The movie was definitely a good choice for Father's Day.
I have a new Incite, hated it, replaced it, and now am loving it. The Sales Rep at radio shack is dishonest, but that's a story I don't have room for to write.
Hugs and God Bless,
- Sophie Jean
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